THE ORDER OF SERVICE
For The Passing of The Great Orange Beast
Venue: St. Jude’s Church of the Asymmetric Boycott
Officiant: The Reverend Bertrand Bassette
I. THE GATHERING
(The Reverend stands in the pulpit, eyes burning like coals. Thunder rumbles.)BEHOLD! Silence in the pews!
We gather today not to mourn, but to bear witness! For the Great Orange Beast has finally been flushed down the celestial U-bend! The earth shudders, the clouds part, and the smell of sulphur—and stale McDonald’s—is thick in the air.
DONALD J. TRUMP. The Man. The Myth. The Walking Medical Waste Bin.
II. THE EULOGY OF SINS
On The Abomination of His Flesh: Let us speak plainly, Brethren! While he bellowed from the podium, his bowels were singing the song of their people in his trousers! A man who claimed to drain the swamp, yet carried a personal swamp around in his undergarments!
On The Sodom & Gomorrah Connection: And who was his guide? Geoffrey of the Island! The Epstein Devil! They were brothers in slime! They feasted on the innocence of the young like vampires at a blood drive!
III. THE HYMN
(To the tune of "All Things Bright and Beautiful")
Refrain:
All things gross and tangerine,
All diapers filled with gall,
All creatures vile and mean,
The Devil made them all.
The spray-tan on his pillow,
The comb-over so thin,
The treason with the Russian Bear,
To help him live in Sin.
AND LO! WE MUST SPEAK OF THE EAR!
Grown men! Men with beards and pickup trucks! Walking around with Maxi-Pads taped to their ears! It was the perfect tribute! Finally, the symmetry was complete! An Ear Diaper to match his Rear Diaper!